They say stay away from triggers that increase the symptoms; like stress
But I don’t know how to do that when my whole life feels a mess
It only makes me feel more sick
And then my problems more big
I get stuck in a cycle I can’t seem to quit
The pain, no sleep, nausea, vomit
Fatigue, muscles cramping, headaches, all of it
Bound in this go round, I want off of it
They say stay away from triggers that increase the symptoms; like stress
This is my life with chronic illness
Just for one day
I’d like to wake up full of life
To Feel rested through my whole body
To Feel refreshing energy
Just for one day
I’d like a steady heart
To Feel the calming rhythmic beats
To Feel it’s soothing melody as I breathe
Just for one day
I’d like to run in fields of flowers
To feel the breeze as I frolic through the trees
To Feel free
Just for one day
I’d like my body to be copacetic
To Feel the simplicity, I just can’t obtain; the mundane
To Feel no pain
I’d like to feel okay
Even if only,
Just for one day
Clocks tick
As I sit
Waiting for the doctors to tell me I’m sick
I’m tired of waiting for this
Every appointment a new diagnosis
A new plan of action on how to approach it
Another referral, new doctor visit
The anxiety deep in my stomach, the pit
I’m so sick of being sick
I still sit
Clocks tick, clocks tock
My heart pounds, I hear the door as they knock
What will it be today, Doc?
I hope they remember before mom was sick
Mom loved to play and mom wasn’t stuck in bed all day
I hope they remember before mom was sick
When she was healthy and strong and worked all day long
I hope they remember before mom was sick
When mom could take them out and about, when mom didn’t pass out
I hope they remember before mom was sick
Smiles on faces and fun happy places
I hope they remember before mom was sick
When she smothered them with love and wasn’t stuck in her bedroom, one floor above
I hope they remember before mom was sick
Mom was the one, mom was the only one who could get anything done
I hope they remember before mom was sick
Before doctors appointments and hospital visits
She wanted to do everything right, she didn’t want to quit
And tried hard every single day to keep up with it
She never intended to be living like this
I hope they remember before mom was sick
Doctors and pills
Therapists and good will
Procedures and blood draws
Operations and white gauze
Tear drops and can’t sleep
Fresh wounds skin deep
It’s lonely to be ill
Self love, self care
self what? who? where?
The sunshine, the yoga
The essential oils of Aunt Rhoda
The diets and deep breathing
But I’m still here dry heaving
No meditation or willingness
Can take away the illness
It’s so lonely to be ill
Hospital stays and beeping nights
When am I ever going to feel right
More prods more pokes
More pain it invokes
Don’t forget to take your meds
Enjoy your day alone in bed.
It’s so lonely to be ill
Kyoko W.P. POETRY 