I miss driving & it’s independence. I miss walking without a Walker or assistance. I miss dancing around without the fear of collapsing. I miss friends & seeing people. No one visits, no one’s asking. But I suppose in actuality it’s really not that bad It’s just sometimes, I feel overwhelmingly sad
It’s hard to see everyone thriving When you’re barely surviving Is my life reviving Or continually declining As my pain is plotting, devising Even disguising Head first diving I see no silver lining I wish I could start rewinding But also fast forward timing For now I find solace in my rhyming My words comprising That’s where my phoenix is rising
They say stay away from triggers that increase the symptoms; like stress But I don’t know how to do that when my whole life feels a mess It only makes me feel more sick And then my problems more big I get stuck in a cycle I can’t seem to quit The pain, no sleep, nausea, vomit Fatigue, muscles cramping, headaches, all of it Bound in this go round, I want off of it They say stay away from triggers that increase the symptoms; like stress This is my life with chronic illness
Clocks tick As I sit Waiting for the doctors to tell me I’m sick I’m tired of waiting for this Every appointment a new diagnosis A new plan of action on how to approach it Another referral, new doctor visit The anxiety deep in my stomach, the pit I’m so sick of being sick I still sit
Clocks tick, clocks tock My heart pounds, I hear the door as they knock What will it be today, Doc?
I’m falling faster; deeper into the abyss Thinking about all the time I might miss The gravity, the force; increasing pressure The distance from here to the ground I can’t measure Increasing Heartrate, I can feel it pounding I don’t want to die I just need safe grounding
I hope they remember before mom was sick Mom loved to play and mom wasn’t stuck in bed all day I hope they remember before mom was sick When she was healthy and strong and worked all day long I hope they remember before mom was sick When mom could take them out and about, when mom didn’t pass out I hope they remember before mom was sick Smiles on faces and fun happy places I hope they remember before mom was sick When she smothered them with love and wasn’t stuck in her bedroom, one floor above I hope they remember before mom was sick Mom was the one, mom was the only one who could get anything done I hope they remember before mom was sick Before doctors appointments and hospital visits She wanted to do everything right, she didn’t want to quit And tried hard every single day to keep up with it She never intended to be living like this I hope they remember before mom was sick
Doctors and pills Therapists and good will Procedures and blood draws Operations and white gauze Tear drops and can’t sleep Fresh wounds skin deep It’s lonely to be ill Self love, self care self what? who? where? The sunshine, the yoga The essential oils of Aunt Rhoda The diets and deep breathing But I’m still here dry heaving No meditation or willingness Can take away the illness It’s so lonely to be ill Hospital stays and beeping nights When am I ever going to feel right More prods more pokes More pain it invokes Don’t forget to take your meds Enjoy your day alone in bed. It’s so lonely to be ill